bam! its already April and its eerie how quickly a quarter of the year has past and Spring semester is ending with finals approaching in two weeks and Summer semester is barely 6 weeks away. Gosh, what is this deal with time that it is whizzing by zoo quickly? They say time flies when you’re having fun but the past three-ish months has been a complete blur and punctuated with stress (with school assignments/projects/test), an emotional roller coaster and self doubt.
Well, Holy Week just passed and it was first and foremost tiring but fruitful. Maundy Thursday was especially meaningful this year somehow. The hymn sung at the washing of the feet I Your Lord And Master was absolutely stunning and the lyrics just cuts right through your very soul. The sacrifice our Savior was to make for us the next day and how he humbled himself us, man is just mesmerizing.
“I must leave you now/ only for a moment/ I must go to my Father/ To make you a home/ On the day of my return/ I will come to take you with me/ To the place I have promised/ Where your joy will have no end.
I your Lord and Master/ Now become you servant/ I who made the moon and stars/ Will kneel to wash your feet/ This is my commandment/ To love as I have loved you/ Kneel to wash each other’s feet/ As I have done for you.”
Had dinner with my parents and was supposed to go church visitation with the church peoples but cause my mother wanted to go to Divine Mercy, so I was just headed there with my parents. And coincidentally met my other two choir friends there too! And we ended up going to the same church (Holy Trinity) next too!
This year’s church visitation was so much better than last year with was filled with drama. Really peaceful (other than the occasion rambling by the father) and was actually able to talk to God. Finished at both churches at 1030pm and dropped the parents back home and headed back to Risen Christ for more quiet time with God but somehow leaving after half an hour of prayer, I still felt that it wasn’t enough and that I had soo much more to say or even remain in silence with him on that special night in his temple. Truthfully, I’ve never felt this way before. A yearning to spend zoo much time with God.
Good Friday arrived and we remember how Jesus humbled himself and willingly died for us and our sins so that we might share something in common with him. There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for a friend. This year’s service was, as you may have already guessed, chilling. In a good way though. Chills ran down my spine on more than one occasion and the Word of God spoke to me like never before and hymn lyrics stung me like never before. Music is probably the soul’s food and as Saint Augustine says “He who sings prays twice”. We employed the help of a violinist this year to help add to the solemn and grand atmosphere on three sacred music pieces and when the violin kicked in on “Behold the Lamb of God”, it was a tiny out-of-body experience. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL. AND CHILLING. Although we heard it during practice, nothing could compare when we are singing it live when the communion ministers, lectors, altar servers are venerating the cross. On the unveiling of the cross, four simple lines were sung BUT herein lies in the simplicity of the words “We adore thee, We adore thee, Christ our Savior, We adore thee” profound and deep meanings and almost brought a tear to my eye.
Moving on from holy week, school has zoomed by in a blaze. Remembering the first day of Spring crystal clear and now I’m figuring out my class schedule for next semester already. Everything wasn’t rainbows and butterflies this semester as I would like it to be. I’ve always been a strong believer that you should never impose your negativity on others and its never another’s responsibility to make you feel better and attempt to pacify you. “Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone” is too true. School work and projects and exams are stressful enough already and I really do not wish to deal with emotional people with extreme opinions on a daily basis. It will drive me insane. You ain’t all that. And there is one thing that I don’t understand. Let’s say J, T, L, D & F are good friends and person A talks bad about J and T to L, wouldn’t it be common sense that L will tell J and T that A bitched about them? Like hello? Please wake up your idea and burst your own little bubble that YOU are the outsider.
If that is an individualistic and selfish opinion that only I hold, then maybe yes, I am being bias and not giving the benefit of doubt but if throngs of other people feel the same why as I do, then something must be obviously wrong with you. Right? I always like to say, if it doesn’t hurt, its not the truth. Time to wake up to reality and stop living in your fantasy where you are the Queen of Nothingland.
One important lesson that I would take away from Spring semester is probably to not be too quick to pass an opinion on others and as much as I may not like it is to give others a chance to prove themselves before condemning them and even if they are condemned, no one is perfect and it is perfectly fine to give them second chances. No one is perfect and by giving second chances, I don’t have anything to lose.
A lingering feeling that I’ve been having is that of inadequacy. Yes, I get the “no one is perfect”, “everyone is good at something” or “you just haven found your niche areas” or any other cheesy, cliche tag lines of success. But its just so damn frustrating that when you something, its never good enough or never matches expectations. What if I am really not good enough, not smart enough, not good-looking enough, not skinny enough? No matter how much effort or how hard I try to do something to the best of my abilities, its more often than not, does not translate to results and I never match up to my peers and although I genuinely feel happy for them, I fake and force a smile through my disappointment and be happy for them. Like I said, I don’t like to laden others with my negativity and problems. But it takes it to a whole new level when people go run boasting about their grades with like “Oh. I barely scraped through lah….With an A! HAHAHAH”. Yes, congratulations but shouldn’t you be more sensitive and know that people around you actually did manage to JUST scrap through the exam? When something goes wrong, everything else seems to fall apart in an instant and picking up the pieces is just too tiring.
I hate disappointments (am I’m sure everyone does too as well) but the thought of disappointing the friends that I’ve made promises to and commitments to is just … scary I guess. But the worst disappointment would probably stem from within. Disappointing myself, which I’ve not failed to do this semester after getting back every graded assignment and I’ve master the art of forcing laughters and faking smiles.