小孩不笨,但是我很笨.

You see, my friends and I came up with a system for studying for exams (finals, midterms etc) which involves all of us studying all the chapters covered for the exams and each one will study a couple of chapters more in depth. Then we would ‘teach’ each other the our supposedly niche areas. I loved the idea and its been working fine last semester. 

Somehow, this semester, I’ve not been doing well in written exams at all and I’m despondent. I’ve been studying for exams and test but somehow it doesn’t translate to what grades I’ve expected. Not a single one. Perhaps I’ve set expectations that are too high but even if I lowered those expectations, I still don’t meet them. In a recent exam, I adopted the ‘teaching’ style of learning with a couple of my classmates and it seemed to be super effective there and then. Even my classmates found it really useful even though they had not studied fully and I stayed up till 3am at Starbucks to cram everything in the night before (cause I’ve just cleared a major project on the day itself). So, going into the exam room I felt confident given the time i mugged the night before and the supposedly useful study session we had. After the exam, came out and still felt confident. So time went by without me worrying much about the grades, thinking to myself that I will fare much better than the previous 2 exams (which I didn’t do well in) and pull up my final grade. But when the results came back, somehow I did worse than my previous two exams and I actually felt more prepared for this exam than any other. I refused to dwell on it, but it is impossible. It was just being a stubborn, lingering thought in my mind and when I found out what my class mates got, it was even worse. I’ve never felt this down before, ever, over grades. Maybe I’m really not cut out for this academic thingy going on. Or what if I’m really not smart enough to be competing with these people vying for the same degree. I might just graduate with lower honors than everyone else and it isn’t a very comforting thought. I just can’t do a sit down, written examination for crying out loud! 

I am genuinely happy that my friends did well and all, but its just very difficult for me to give a smile from the heart and I’m sorry that my smiles are faked and merely a social smile.

If there’s any consolation whatsoever, it would be that I guess I’m pretty good at presentations. Heck, I’m dope when it comes to presentations. Well, not to be arrogant or proud or anything along those lines, I think I really excel in presentations and projects. I can improvise on the spot, take Q&A questions and well, I like to present! Isn’t this what should be focused on rather than written papers? I mean, if you can present, heck, it means you have your knowledge of the module! This is much more representative of what the real working world is going to be like, right? You’re going to have to present to your clients or bosses what you have in 10 minutes and whether you make it or not depends on what you can deliver to convince them in that short duration, regardless of what you have done over the past months of hard work! They ain’t going to sit you and force you to take a 90 minute written exam! 

So, well, not exactly a very good beginning to mugging week, with finals looming in a week but I’m just hoping for the best and may the force be with me. and lady luck too. and saint jude too. and all the other saints and my guardian angel. I need every force to be on my side. 

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